Nowadays, many people live in co-habitation relationships and more and more children are born outside marriage. It is also common to have casual sexual relationships. Why is it a problem to fall in love, move in together, and have children? Why can’t Christians approve of such a way of living together? Why can’t we have sex with whoever we want whenever we want? Quite simply because some important things have to fall into place first! Co-habitation relationships and sexually unrestrained behaviour is opposed to God’s good provision for human life.

In the biblical story about the first marriage (Genesis 2, 18-25) we find four fundamental things that must be present for two people to live together. These four things make sure that marriage evolves to a good family and a strong building block in society at large. Both Jesus and his apostles refer to this story when speaking about God’s good and eternal arrangement for the human race.

1. Recognition and protection from society.

The first marriage came into being when the Creator and Lord of the entire universe gave the man a wife. This is why all matrimonial relationships must be publicly recognized. We find this principle throughout the Bible. That two people live together and have children is not a private matter but has to do with society at large. How society recognizes and protects marriage and what kind of arrangements, ceremonies and rituals that are connected to it varies from culture to culture and from time to time. However, marriage is a new social unit and so it concerns all of society!

Before man and a woman enter into the marriage relationship it should be sanctioned by the woman’s family and the society. The first element of marriage is the recognition of authority, ownership and the giving of a woman to the man. It seems to be a prerequisite of giving a daughter to be married before there could be a proper cleaving and one flesh relationship as seen in the incident with Shechem and Dinah (Genesis 34). Shechem took her, lay with her, loved her, cleaved to her, but she was not given to him, so he did not become a daughter’s husband (or a son in law). Therefore it is said that he defiled her – violated her (Genesis 34:2). He forced her into a pre-marriage relationship and defiled her – made her unclean (Genesis 34:5,13,27).

It is also interesting to note that the expression “make marriages with us” (Genesis 34:9) has to do with the wife’s father, the father in law, or to make oneself a daughter’s husband, which clearly indicate a giving of the daughter and an acceptance of the son in law.

We should always ask for the opinion of parents before we go ahead and marry people. In some cases we may marry people without the consent of their parents.

2. Establishing a new line of authority

‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother’. The man leaves his father’s authority and his mother’s daily care to be the head in a new and independent relationship with his wife. He is no longer under his father but founds a new social unit. He takes the lead in a new relationship with new priorities and responsibilities. The same goes for his wife who is separated from her family and becomes a part of a new family unit.

3. Commitment of loyalty and faithfulness

‘Be united to his wife’ (or ‘cleave together’). Cleaving together for life seems to be the content of this third element. Cleaving is about affectionate love and loyalty. It is the opposite of separation; it is about sticking together as if being glued together. This command by God stresses that marriage is to last for life, for ‘what God has joined together, let man not separate’ (Matthew 19, 6). Neither the man nor the wife is allowed to let go of each other but must faithfully hold on to his or her spouse.

4. One flesh – one person

‘They will become one flesh!’ The physical union of man and woman consummates marriage. Sexual intimacy finds it place in marriage alone. A marriage has not really gotten off to a good start before bride and bridegroom have become one body through sexual intercourse. The Bible does not allow any intimate sexual relations outside of marriage.

However, the phrase “one flesh” does imply much more than the sexual union of becoming one body. It actually means to become one person. The marriage union is the closest and the most intimate of all human relationships. In marriage two persons may begin to think, act, and feel as one. They are able to penetrate each others lives in such a way to become one, a functioning unit. Paul is saying that whatever a man does for his wife, he also does to himself since the two have become one person (Ephesians 5:28-31).

God’s intention for a husband and a wife is for them to become one in all areas of their relationship, – intellectually, emotionally and physically. The covenant of companionship was designed to fill this need.